Adventures in exercising with C.F.S.

Having been robbed of an hour yesterday (was feeling all good about the time I woke up until I realised that the clocks had gone forward) I decided to go for a swim. Moving the body gently for a bit helps. It helps to get rid of my stress and burns off enough energy to sleep. It also (if I get the intuitive energy spending right) is gentle enough to not create a hyper or energy deficit.

My brain wasn’t entirely with me yesterday. Or so I thought. It felt like it had gone on vacation and left me feeling a tad spaced out and ‘woe is me for it’ for it. But it appears comedy arrives in the most unexpected of places.

Swimming served the energy well. I meandered up and down the adult swimming lane for about 25 minutes and felt mighty pleased with myself for my intuitive energy management. I followed with cool downs and got a little playful (well I was happy and it’s important to be playful) and did some duck dives, seeing how far I could swim underwater. It was then that I made the discovery that I was not alone in my section of the pool. Floating towards my mouth at an alarming rate of knots from all the currents being created was a healthy sized globule of frog spawn. I first questioned my eyes, trying to believe it was anything other than the obvious, and dearly wanting to dismiss this foreign object as benign, but I couldn’t so I called over the nearest begoggled father and child for a second opinion. Cue more duck diving (especially from the gangly child who was more than happy to help) and an emphatic validation of my opinion. Swift hoo-ha followed. Kids started clambering out the pool, shouting ‘EURGH!’ and bellowing at the tops of their hyper little lungs that frogs would be hatching soon (would have liked to have seen that if they did they did. They would look rather odd from all the chlorine that had been incubating them). Life guards then began drawing straws and having discussions about who was going to dive in with a bucket and collect the stuff, especially as more clumps appeared.

I found myself sitting on the side, huddled in a towel, watching this frenetic activity with amused detachment. Yes my brain is tired. And yes so is my body. But it appears my eyes were working better, and working better than anyone else is this busy pool and that is something worth noting. Blessings in strange places. So I thanked the delightful child that emptied his ‘show and tell’ project into the pool for my comedy diversion and for my positive observation of the day. But most of all I thanked my eyes for working and most of all thanked my reactions that said ‘SHUT YOUR MOUTH!’

Bless the bod. It’s getting me there.

Ask and it is given!

Just wanted to share this. My book order arrived today. At the last minute when ordering I had tacked on 2 extra books. When unwrapping the parcel today I flicked one (The ABC of Enlightenment) and the pages, as they do, fell where they wanted to. Some call this intuitive reading but I wasn’t even attempting that. I was just idly flicking through. Anway this is what came out;

First flick through –

GROWTH – ‘Growth is not soft; growth is painful (yep, that got my attention). All growth is towards the unknown,…towards the fragile, towards the indefinable. Growth is the by-product of the enquiry into truth.

If you want to grow, drop the past (considering the point of this blog I am now even more hooked).The past is no more, it is absolutely irrelevant, but it goes on interfering. You go on judging according to it; you go on saying, ‘This is right and that is wrong,’ and all those ideas of right and wrong, all those judgements are coming from something which is dead. Your dead past remains so heavy on you that it does not allow you to move. Drop the past completely.

The second thing to remember is not to create expectations for the future. Things are not going to happen according to you, things are going to happen according to the whole. The small wave in the ocean, cannot be the deciding factor. If the wave wants to go to the east, but the winds are not going to the east, if the ocean is not willing, then the wave will suffer….

The ultimate growth is simply to say ‘yes’ – to say ‘yes’ with as much joy as a child says ‘no’. That is a second childhood. And the man who can say ‘yes’ with tremendous freedom and joy, with no hesitation, with no strings attached…has become a sage. That man lives in harmony.’

So I am thinking, ‘ok so this is just this type of book, I could find anything pertinent in here (of varying degrees), like with a horoscope and something this relevant isn’t going to be found twice.' So I did it again;

CHANGE - ‘Misery arises when we don’t allow change to happen. We cling, we want things to be static. If you love a woman’ (well not that way inclined, but there is a man taking residence in my head) ‘you want her to be yours tomorrow, the same as she is today. That’s how misery arises. Nobody can be certain about the next moment, what to say about tomorrow.

Life is constantly changing. Life is change. Only one thing is permanent, and that is change itself. To accept this changing existence with all its seasons and moods, this constant flow, which never stops for a single moment, is to be blissful.’

Strike two for the lightening then? No try strike three because I did it again (and believe me there is plenty in this book that is wholly irrelevant; try the bits about paganism, palmistry, civilisation and charity). So what did the next flick through reveal?;

PAIN - (ah the crux of the matter). ‘Pain is part of growth. And remember, whenever something hurts, something inside you is repressed. So rather than trying to avoid the pain, move into it. Let it hurt like hell. Let it hurt totally so the wound is opened completely’ (for some reason my bottom lip quivered here and then I felt daft and a victim of psycho-suggestion). ‘Once it is opened completely it starts healing. If you avoid the spaces when you feel pain, they will remain inside you and you will come across them again and again’ (could this be why M.E. is a rollercoaster of relapse and remit?).

Feeling slightly bemused I turned to the next book on meditation for some solace. I have been trying to find a comfy meditation practice for ages. The 'taught/imposed' techniques never seem to work, because my body asks for something different and often different things at different times – and first thing in the morning mine has always loved to dance. But every meditation teacher I have ever come across says that meditation should be ideally slow and deliberate to promote intense concentration. They say just 'letting go' in an uncontrolled fashion won't allow this despite my insistence that I have a liberating, joyous, expansive experience dancing. Dancing it seemed therefore was dancing and meditation was meditation. Never the twain shall meet. So my next flick through (having been interrupted from boogieing to Michael Jackson by the postman);

OSHO KUNDALINI MEDITATION (in brief)

15 minutes; Shake your body out (letting your body you rather than you move your body)
15 minutes; Dance! Anyway you wish and let your whole body move (WAHAY!)
15 minutes; Be still (standing or sitting) and experience the changes inside and out.
15 minutes; Be still (lying or sitting) and close your eyes.

Ah bliss. Seriously happy now!!!!

And that is my lengthy blog over for the day. Blow the ‘what I have learnt?’ etc questions. I think a) it is self-explanatory and b) it’s time to just be and get out and enjoy the sunshine.

The books are
The ABC of Enlightenment – Osho
Meditation- the first and last freedom - Osho

in hugs and health ;)

7*

Small steps when dating with C.F.S.

UP: 5am (only got to sleep 3 hours ago too). Emptied the brain in my diary and then fell back to sleep about 7am. Woke again at 10.30 (suffice to say neuuuurrrrrrrgggghhhh! – more sleep needed).

HEALTH STUFF: 20 minute seated meditation on the breath in the morning. Sun Ancon Chi machine for 30 minutes x morning and evening. Innerlight’s Supergreens 2 scoops x 3 litres throughout the day plus 2 scoops Innerlight Super Soya Sprouts morning and evening, Innerlight Biolight (in eyes and under tongue) and Olive Leaf capsules. Phew!

WHAT CAN I DO DIFFERENTLY TODAY FROM YESTERDAY THAT WILL LEAD ME TOWARDS UNBOUNDED ENERGY AND HEALTH? Tackle the causes behind my insomnia.

I don’t believe in palliative tablets if I can help it. Discomfort and dysfunction are there for a reason. Tablets gag the dialogue your body is trying to have with you. And mine is definitely not so much talking but YELLING at me right now. Mostly in disgust. Responding to your body’s wisdom is crucial if a symptom-free state is to be created. But this invariably creates conflict between mind (‘me want, me want!’) and the body (‘you are having a laugh, we’re spent’). It’s a bit akin to coaxing/dragging a recalcitrant toddler away from the sweet rack at a supermarket till.

But coax we will and today of all days this is needed. Why? Because I have been single for a while and recently I have fallen for someone. Quite a bit fallen. Cue insomnia and my head turning itself inside out post 10pm and then revving itself up to a full spin cycle by the time I am cocooned under the duvet. And the bizarre thing is I cannot even attempt to entertain the same thoughts during the day let alone at the same intensity. There is something unique about thoughts in the wee hours that my day-time brain simply regards with boredom and dismisses. How? Why can’t you do that at night Ms Brain!? (Oops, sorry! As a coach a wiser question rather than a ‘why’ question would be ‘what can I learn from my day-time brain so that I have a still mind at night?’)

So why is my brain especially active now? Like a lot of readers with M.E I have found fatigue can be a rather unwelcome occupier in the terrain of a relationship. It can consume and conquer all positive resources without strong tactics to the contrary. I found this out the hard way and then had a long time to ponder the necessary counter tactics whilst living the single way. One of the biggest things I realised is the importance of a) having understanding from your partner (space to rest, unconditional acceptance, non-judgement etc) and b) not entertaining a rollercoaster of energy peaks and troughs. This is hard when you are falling for someone and offers not so much a learning curve but a perpendicular climb as every cell in your body wants to get loved up and excited. But the importance of keeping things in perspective, in the present moment and taking the smallest steps available is never truer than for a health seeker and has been my lesson of the day. Having spent the day on the email and phone to my faithful foot nailers (so called because when I float off to la-la land they nail my feet to the ground) I made some decisions that slow things down considerably. And hopefully with patience and peace sleep will follow.

in hugs and health ;)

7*

WHAT HAVE I LEARNED/GAINED/ACHIEVED TODAY?

1. Called my local Buddhist centre about starting a local meditation group with a view to getting more Zen in my life. The man I spoke to said ‘it sounds great but what smaller steps have you considered.’ Point taken. Strangers are even telling me it now.
2. My body is actually more resilient than it used to be. A few years ago I would have been sofa bound by now. Whilst not running marathons I still have had a normal(ish) day. Nice one bod!

Why am I blogging about M.E./C.F.S. and why are my posts structured like this?

UP: 10.30am (When I slow down physically it seems my brain gets more fertile and creative and for reasons of torture, mainly at bedtime.)

WHAT CAN I DO DIFFERENTLY TODAY FROM YESTERDAY THAT WILL LEAD ME TOWARDS UNBOUNDED ENERGY, PEACE AND HEALTH? – Feel yucky so more raw stuff and more veg juices to alkalise.

HEALTH STUFF; Nowt specific

SONG OF THE DAY: Rise, Gabrielle. It was on 3 separate radio stations today and served to galvanise my thoughts.

Dah da! My first blog. An inaugural moment. I started this blog primarily to record my return to health following a recent dip. Not just for me, but for anyone who has ever wanted to pick my brain over the years (I have done this M.E./C.F.S thing for a decade now so I am a bit of a veteran).

Getting over M.E. (or getting to a safe, stable, symptom-free state) is a bit like being given a weekly wage but not being told how much you have to spend. One minute you are so safely in the black that Scrooge would be a more appropriate moniker and the next, you are so far in the red, debt consolidation agencies look less like charlatans and more like life savers.

Along my journey I found, like most people in my position, my identity has changed numerous times. There was the Pre M.E’, me, the 'Chronically ill’ me and then the 'HA, HA, IT'S GONE, I BEAT YOU!’ me where I lived for a while with a rather considerable degree of false confidence and a mindset more readily attributed to a newly liberated teenager. My aim is now to create a 'balanced and wise’ me who knows her limits and knows what behaviours, beliefs and patterns are needed to stay within them.

As a yoga teacher and life coach my posts are invariably going to have a certain structure and style. I monitor my sleep in line with a recognised coaching principle; ‘let go of trying to force the correction and shift the focus to the accuracy of the observation’ (Sir John Whitmore – p139, Coaching for performance). I start each day with a short term goal that leads me towards my long term goal of unbounded health to keep my mind ‘solution focused’ rather than ‘problem focused’. ‘Health Stuff’ and ‘What have I learned etc?’ is my review and record so I know what works and what doesn’t. ‘Song of the day’ is just because music is my bedrock and changes my mood in an instant.

Blogging is hopefully going to be my map through an energy management minefield. Having never done it before, I don’t know if it will work, but whatever happens it is going to be an education and adventure - thanks for taking the journey with me (and no the blogs won’t always be this long!)

in hugs and health ;)

7*

WHAT HAVE I LEARNED/GAINED/ACHIEVED TODAY?
1. Got my blog started. As an amateur writer who knackered at best, it’s clear that a blog is a lesson in imperfection. How to write a blog - bash out something short. Click publish post. Done.
2. Be moderate in goals. Diet plans - great in theory. But when it's late, sub zero and your hands are cold and losing fingers like dead twigs, salt and vinegar and deep fried potatoes will always call to you like the food of the gods.